Remember when you made the monumental decision to buy
Huggies or Pampers? Decided whether to start your baby on solids at four months or six? Deliberated over putting your toddler down for one nap or two?
During the preschool and elementary school years, it seems the decisions become more daunting, and what’s at stake is a lot more complicated than diaper rash. To quote the writer Anna Quindlen, “Raising children is presented at first as a true-false test, then becomes multiple choice, until, finally, far along, you realize that it is an endless essay.” This particular essay (not endless, I promise!)
attempts to solve some of the
trickiest parenting dilemmas we face. The ones you won’t find in What to Expect When…. The ones you probably never expected at all. The ones so sticky that not a single parent’s real name was used.
Dilemma #1:
The class
assignments came out and your child got the one teacher you didn’t want.
The key phrase here, according to the two teachers I consulted, is “the one teacher you didn’t want.” “When parents request a teacher,” says Nancy Larimer, a teacher at The Pegasus School in Huntington Beach, “they are usually requesting based on hearsay. They’ve heard that teacher is great, but that teacher may not necessarily be great for your child.” She points out that class placements are typically based on pairing your child with the teacher who works best with his personality and learning style—important nuances parents may not have the background to accurately assess.
“You should always give it four or five weeks,” suggests Carol Perkins, a second-grade teacher at Lincoln Elementary in Corona del Mar. “I can’t tell you how many parents later say, ‘He’s perfectly happy, he loves the class,’ and it just sort of resolves itself.”
But what if it doesn’t? “Part of growing up is learning how to deal with different personalities,” Larimer says, “because when we grow up, we’re going to have to work with those people.”
Mom Charlotte Thomas coped with a less than ideal placement by being honest with her child. “I told her there were things her teacher does that I don’t agree with, but that we still have to show respect for the teacher.”
Dilemma #2:
Your child is desperate
to play with
the “cool” kids
on the playground, but they’re not letting her in. In fact, they’re
downright mean.
“Coolness” can set in as early as preschool - and so can icy behavior towards those the cliques in question have labeled “uncool.” When the “in” crowd nixed her kindergartener, mom Sonya Beattie made a concerted effort to make play dates for her with other kids. “I have told her that she is a special person and therefore that only kids who are nice are deserving of her company,” Beattie says. “She has been empowered by that.”
Teachers can encourage new friendships, says Perkins. “We set up kids (at recess) with other kids they might not otherwise play with and they have to stick with them,” Perkins says. “We talk about it at the end of the day: What were the positives, what were the conflicts and how would we resolve those.”
Christine Stanton Peterson, a speech-language pathologist specializing in social skills issues, says kids should promote their own strengths. “Kids will look up to them as being really good at these strengths, be it karate or swimming or dancing, and that makes them stand apart,” she says. Even if this doesn’t convince the Queen Bee to take your child under her wing, she just might attract the attention of other, perhaps more appropriate, friends who share her interests.
What if your child still wants to hang with the “in” group? “Pay attention to whose issue that is,” says Larimer, “because a lot of times it’s not the child’s issue; it’s the parent’s issue. You want your child to be friends with those children because they’re the popular ones or because their parents are your friends.” Ouch! That brings us to Dilemma #3…
Dilemma #3:
The Smiths
are your closest friends but your kids
just don’t mesh.
The Nelsons and the Smiths became friends through their sons. Play dates led to family barbecues, beach days, even vacations together. But things have changed. “It’s obvious her son doesn’t want to hang out with my son anymore,” Miranda Nelson says. “She hasn’t dumped me as a friend, but her son has basically dumped mine.” While Nelson has given up on family get-togethers, Peterson says, “I don’t think the children should dictate the relationship of the parents.” Open communication is the key, she says.
One mom, Sarah Lazarus, invited her friend Susan to dinner one night to discuss their daughters. “We agreed we couldn’t resolve the issues between them,” Lazarus says, “but we also agreed we wouldn’t let it come between our friendship.”
Peterson suggests planning activities where the two conflicted kids don’t necessarily need to engage with one another, yet there is something for everyone to do. “If you’re really close with somebody, you can talk about those things and it’s not an attack on her parenting; it’s just a temperament issue between children,” Peterson says. And, if you can’t talk candidly about it, perhaps this is another issue that’s more about the parents than the kids.
Dilemma #4:
Your child’s friend
is a drama queen, and every activity they participate in together becomes the stage for
her social maneuvering.
Try having a candid conversation about this one. Whenever it’s time for activity sign-ups, Miranda Nelson can count on a call from Chelsea’s mom. The problem is, Nelson doesn’t want Chelsea enrolled in the same classes with her daughter, especially if other friends are involved. “Someone always ends up in tears,” Nelson says, “and the class is ultimately a waste.” Nelson’s strategy is to stall. “I let Chelsea’s mom sign her up first, and then I sign my daughter up for something else, even if it means she’s not with the larger group of friends.” Nelson also shifted the onus to her child. “I told the other mom that my daughter was having problems being with the usual group of kids and needed to try something new.” And, to further diffuse the situation: “I make a point of having Chelsea over for one-on-one play dates. She’s high maintenance, but as long as it’s just the two kids, the problems are manageable.”
Sandra Miller suspects she was on the other side of this issue last summer. After sharing her daughter’s camp plans with two other moms, the other moms signed their girls up for completely different programs. “Did my daughter do something awful or inappropriate that nobody had the courage to share with me?” Miller wondered in an e-mail, “Or COULD IT BE ME?????.... The saga continues.... or is it a case of PARANOIA???”
Dilemma #5:
The neighborhood kids have worn out
their welcome at
your house.
Living in a family neighborhood has its pros and cons, as Heather Murphy learned first-hand. While she loved the ready availability of playmates for her children, one family in particular never gave her a moment of peace. Murphy went so far as to park her car on the opposite side of the house. “If they didn’t see my car, they would think we weren’t home,” she says. She also put a lock on her gate so they couldn’t come to her front door uninvited.
Blair Kaplan found the relationship with a neighborhood family to be nothing short of smothering. “I felt I was taking on all of their issues, and I had my own family to think about,” Kaplan says. “I’d wake up in the morning worrying about their problems.” Not until Kaplan moved did she realize it wasn’t the rambunctious neighbor son who bothered her as much as his mom, who burdened her with every detail of her life. Which brings us to dilemma #6…
Dilemma #6:
You know your child
is the troublemaker, and you are working on it,
but meanwhile it’s clear that other parents
don’t want him around.
My son came home rather suddenly from a neighbor’s house one day saying he wasn’t allowed to play there anymore. Fearing the fallout, I called the parents to find out why. It turns out the little rascal was cheating at a game and being generally nasty. But he wasn’t told he couldn’t play there ever again; he was told he couldn’t play anymore that day. Grateful for this information, I was able to turn it into a learning opportunity for my son, and also to tell the parents that we are working on these issues and appreciate their understanding. Now he knows: play by the rules, be kind, or don’t play there at all.
The troublemaking can clearly be a lot worse. If your kid is the troublemaker and you know it, “Set him up for success,” says Peterson. “I don’t think even the most difficult child is difficult if you set the right scenario.” If he’s known to tear up the house, make the play date at the park. If he’s hyperactive, skip the ice cream. Set very clear ground rules up front, and if there’s failure, dole out immediate consequences, she advises.
“Of course the parent of the difficult child is hungry for intimate relationships and friendships,” Peterson notes. “Most parents of difficult children are already aware, so they are just thanking God that you’re willing to reciprocate an invitation.” If you are kind enough to give that difficult child a chance, honest communication with the parents and clear setting of rules and consequences at the outset can at least improve the odds of success. But what if they misbehave after all?
Dilemma #7:
A child misbehaves on your watch. Do you tell his parents?
The same rascal of mine referred to above wrote something unkind in the yearbook of his good friend’s little sister. Her mother could have written off my son as a mean troublemaker and we never would have known why he was never invited for play dates anymore. Or, she could have let the incident slide. Instead, she told me about it, saying she believed I’d want to know. She was right. We were able to mend hurt feelings, teach a lesson in kindness, and move on. But when should you stay mum?
Sandra Miller was taken aback when her daughter’s friend started discussing the middle finger. She responded by telling the girls, both 8, that it was an inappropriate topic. Miller mentioned it to the girl’s mother, expecting shock and a promise to have a talk with her daughter, but all she got was a shake of the head. But, by clarifying to the girls her own standard of acceptable behavior, it probably won’t happen again – at least not on her watch. Elsewhere is another story.
As Peterson notes, parents usually know if their child is having issues. “They’re going to be very open to you saying, ‘I understand sometimes he has bad words,’” she says. Whether or not you tell a parent their child has misbehaved should have more to do with the egregiousness of the infraction, and less to do with fear of the other parent’s reaction. But does it?
Dilemma #8:
You’re not
comfortable
with the rules at your
child’s friend’s house.
The obvious solution to this one is to invite the child to your house. But, sooner or later, if your kids are good friends, you’ll have to let him go there. Alicia Green is a stickler for car seats, so when her son is being picked up by another mom she’ll strategically ask, “Do you need me to drop by a booster, or do you have one?” Of course, dropping off a car seat doesn’t guarantee it will be used.
It gets tougher as the kids get older and more independent. Will they play teen-rated video games? Skateboard down a steep hill? Go to the movies alone? “A friend recently told me she hoped I wouldn’t mind, but she didn’t feel comfortable with her son seeing the Indiana Jones DVD,” Green says. “I was so glad she was honest and up front so we could pick another movie for the boys to watch.” At the other extreme, Peterson’s stepdaughter went to a sleepover in high school with the assurance that there would be no alcohol and no boys, yet the parents had flat-out lied. “It was all about being the best friend, the ‘cool’ parent,” she says.
Ultimately, sending your child to a friend’s house is a leap of faith. You can only hope that they will share your values and standards, or at least honor them. And if you don’t trust them to do so, all the play dates will have to be at your house. Which is a dilemma unto itself.
